It has been almost 6 months since the Friday night I woke up in pain and found that lump in my breast. 6 months since my life changed and 6 months since I was “normal”. And by normal I mean not this version of myself that I have become. The one that I don’t even recognize at times.
Maybe my lack of self acceptance of this new me is to blame for my new anxiety issues that can make normal tasks difficult. Normal things that I once didn’t even think twice about have now became my “new daily goals”, so to say.
I am now easily underwhelmed and indecisive. Going from a woman who can take on a million things at once to not even being able to make simple decisions or complete normal tasks is in it’s self beyond overwhelming not to mention irritating.
Cancer is overwhelming to say the least. All of us with cancer know and realize how much our loved ones, family and friends care and worry about us and so on but at times that too is overwhelming. It is overwhelming feeling like that one everyone feels sorry about or now views totally different.
But for me what is the most overwhelming of all is how different I feel to myself and how hard that is to explain and express to others. It is hard for me at times to know what is going on in my own head but then to allow others to understand that is beyond frustrating.
No explanation seems valid as to why I now have about 20 more personalities than before. I don’t even understand it myself. How can I expect my family to understand? I can ne laughing one second and in tears the next. I totally understand how they call me psycho. Because I totally act like one more than I wish I did.
There comes those days here and there where I feel like I could conquer the world. Those days I usually literally go non-stop until I am drained and 9 out of 10 times wake up the next day asking myself why I didn’t limit myself and end up angry for not being able to even have 1 day in weeks of time that I could do all the things I used too.
Then those days lead to days I can’t even climb out of my bed because I am out of energy. I should not have over did myself those days before.
Then we have the days that treatment just takes it all away. I feel light headed and weak. I don’t make it out of the house on those days.
Then there are the days that I just can’t mentally. Like I don’t even want to look in the mirror at myself. Let alone get out of bed and look at the world. I don’t see an end or new beginning as I am ready for!! I feel as though I can’t face another day and it is all too much. As I hide away under the covers I question if it is worth it.
Those days I am at my all time low. When I snap back and take a look I then see where my thoughts and depression could take me if I allowed it.
The days I feel “physically not well”, those are the days I lounge around and relax and just plain want to be left alone. Those are the days the kids are likely to get away with more and I am going to say less if anything.
Then there are the days I am “mentally not feeling well”, these are the days that make up for the ones when I didn’t say much. The ones I just wanted the pain gone and I tried hiding from the world. And now that the pain is gone I am mad about the pain and all tge things I missed or things I didn’t feel like doing. Sometimes thoughts like, “I can’t do this anymore” or “how can I keep going?” Race through my head. These are the days my loved ones will most likely call me a psycho path at least a dozen times, if not more!
So that is why I nees to say I am sorry fam. I am sorry that I didn’t speak up to all the little things you didthat upset me or that I would not tolerate if I felt better. I apologize for the days I feel so worthless as I lay around feeling like I am only letting people down. I am sorry all my anger and irritation from the days I didn’t feel well and had no energy just piled up with all my other millions and trillions of emotions. I am also sorry some days I just feel sad and like no one understands. I am so sorry that I don’t always know how to contain all this anger I have just piled up. I am sorry that I maybe a little extra when it comes to my emotions lately. I wish I could say I would change. I wish I knew that I could change. But that would be a big lie. 6 months later and I question if I will ever feel like myself again.
But to set the record straight those days when I question if all this is worth it my family and loved ones are more than enough reasons to keep fighting. I am definately not done here. This storm too shall pass. One day I will look back at the past and be thankful for all my pain. With out the bad times, how can one truly know what it means to be grateful for the good times?