It’s just hair!! It will grow back they say. For some that was true and for others that didn’t happen after taking a chemo that ended in permanent hair loss. Those women were robbed for life. After facing one hell they were left scared for life. So if I am only momentarily losing my hair unlike some others I feel selfish for my worry.
I have really took my hair for granted since I had Maliyah, my youngest daughtef who is now 2. Took my whole SELF for granted for that matter. I let my self go so to say as I was challenged to keep up with life after a fourth child. From a messy bun on the daily to baggy shirts and sweat pants. Not being the most comfortable in my skin after my last baby I struggled to even care to find time to fix myself up.
It hadn’t really bothered me until a few months before I was diagnosed with cancer. I was looking at a picture of myself and thought, wow I can’t go through the rest of the year which will be fullof senior activities, pictures and moments I needed to dress up, looking and feeling the way I did. So I stopped putting off that hair cut and color that was due 2 years ago and made some time for myself.
As so many days, basically everyday, I took my hair for granted. As I twisted into a messy bun tied it up. In my mind fixing my hair was a HUGE struggle that I didn’t want to make time take on. It meant after washing, that meant drying and then straightening or curling it and some days I thought I would actually do it, but decide, nah maybe tomorrow! Well never hold your breath because one day tomorrow may never come. In the matter of 1 week my struggle went from one extreme to another.
As the thoughts of chemo cross my mind, of course my hair is one of my biggest fears. I don’t know how I will look at myself in the mirror, let alone being able handle the looks I get from others. I don’t generally mind what others think, but when I am lacking confidence in myself I will not be able to face others.
I will want to hide and lock myself away, but that is not how I should cope and not the mentality I want. So as I have for years, I am working even harder now on my inside and what it looks like. As I try to be more patient and understanding with those around me, even when they are getting my last nerve. I am really trying to understand what makes one beautiful. I know when looking at others their hair is one of the last features that would make me find their beauty.
Watching a woman recently go through her hair loss and beat her cancer battle I was admired by her strength and her dignity and how she carried herself. I knew she had to feel the opposite at times as what she was letting others see, but the way she pulled it off, no one would have guessed her struggle.
Beauty is not defined by our colored hair, or long lashes or perfectly waxed eye brows. All though yes all of those things make us feel beautiful and therefore its only human nature that we all want the best of that world. Making us take for granted the fact we have that hair to make perfect or to worry about. While we take those little things for granted another woman is looking in the mirror, as her last bit of hair falls out, trying to find herself in the reflection of that bald woman starring back at her.
Now I am really thinking about those other women because I am soon going to be one of those women. And when I say those women, I mean those courageous and strong victims of chemo. I then think of the power chemo has over us not only physically but, but mentally.
Hints why the worst chemo I have been told about and I am frightened of, is called red devil. Only the devil can bring us to our lowest while taking every piece of our mind and soul and while making us question if this is death. It scares the hell out of me. So Why I am focusing on hair loss is beyond me!!
I have to remind myself this is not forever. As some woman have had to learn to deal with that after learning about their permanent hair loss. Those women must be God’s true warriors. As if they haven’t been through enough pain, it makes it seem so unfair. If it is possible to endure permanent loss I will not soak in self pity. L on myself, I am not going to do what, I know I am going to want to do, which is curl up in a ball and cuss God and blame him as humans placing blame helps some. Me, not so much. Yelling at God won’t make anything different or me feel better.I am not going to do that at all. I am going to let my hair gracefully fall as I like to imagine. Because in reality it’s going to be complete hell and painful I have heard.
When I feel ashamed of my appearance and have not a drop of confidence I am going to say who cares about this petty stuff that I will get back. If I don’t beat this cancer it could take my life and that I won’t get back. So I am approaching it like my inspiration did and if I have to I roo will shave it off and if I can’t go into public I hope that I can talk Lacey, who has had to over come the fact she will never get her hair back, into taking me out in public. I have anxiety anticipating that day. Through all of the stories you brave women have shared I know I have to so this, but I don’t want to!! I want to be like a child and throw a temper tantrum until everything large way I want it. Wait that doesn’t work does it???
Women thank you all. When I have doubts like this hair stuff, I remind myself you all did it. When I think about chemo I have all of you to remind me of the good to come. This is temporary if I get on there and kick it’s ass out!! So I guess I will never be able to prepare myself but, I can ease my own mind with all the right accessories and head wraps not sure about a wig. Probably not. But, each path is different we all have the same emotions and can help each other to over come the worst!!