This morning we received my biopsy results and they were not as we had hoped. It’s pretty crazy how my worried of being fat and sloppy lately is not much to my new worries. All those little things I had been taking for granted, those I now realize are such blessings. The things we don’t even realize we should be thankful for, like having the energy to workand go to ball games and just live, those are our true blessings. When you think life is bad, trust me someome out there is going through something worse.
I prepared myself for the worst news while still having hope but, God ihas decided he was putting me up for another battle and I still have not shed a tear upon receiving the information this morning. My loved ones, I wish I could say the same for them they shed enough tears for all of us. I know their tears are for fear of what is to come and all I wish to do is take that worry and fear away. This is definitely not the memories or worries I was I was hoping for Makayla to endure and have her senior year. I am frightened for what is to come, yes, but I know I will make it. I know already, I can beat this. So my only fear is missing out on things over the course of this next year after I begin treatment. My fear, is not being here mentally, as I need and want to be for all of my babies from my toddler to my HS senior all so different and needy in their own ways. My fear is that I will not be able to be the mother they are used to that i will struggle to make things as normal as i can and appear that I am good even when I am lost. I can take the chemo and the radiation that I do not fear. I can take whatever I have to physically. No pain hurts like the pain of my loved ones. I know I can and will survive, but the fear of having to depend on others scares the hell out of me as well. The thought of my kids and my family as they will have so much more they will try to take on as they try to pick up my slack. That is my worry of them becoming overwhelmed or stressed out because of me. I know it’s out of my control and I know this is what families do for one another. Yes I know all of that. I am just a control freak, not to mention a mom who can’t stand to miss any game or school function or any thing one of my kids is involved in. So of course I am worried about that issue once treatment starts. But, I know I am staying positive and I also know I have an amazing support system as well as amazing women who have been answering my millions of questions. A woman who is maybe 4 years younger than I am who had this same cancer and went through all this is proof that it can beat. She has been an inspiration to me from the beginning of her battle as my heart ached for her and her family. Now that I, too am facing a similar situation she is even more of an inspiration as I am so grateful to know her. All of the other women (You know who you are) who have also talked to me and given me advice and so on, I appreciate all of you as well. Our minds can make us crazy and it’s all of you who have helped keep my sanity. And those who help with my children in any way what so ever that is a blessing that I hold dear to my heart and just anything that has helped one of my kiddos when I couldn’t be there so so I could be some place else whatever it maybe, I appreciate all of you more than my words can express and feel so grateful that others care about my kids and my family enough to do things you all have done and I don’t even know how to express the amount of gratitude my family has for so many uplifting people!! We are beyond blessed!
I had my biopsies early Thursday morning. 2 spots in my right breast and 1 spot under my right arm in my lymph node because it has swelling and looked abnormal as well. I had an amazing group of nurses and amazing doctor helped me through all of that. They made the situation 100 times better than I was feeling about it. Which kept my spirits up! Even calling me last night to check on me and make sure I didn’t he any questions, etc and informing me as soon as the results came back I would have a call even if it was Saturday or Sunday.
Today, Saturday I got that call. The doctor whom I saw after my mammogram and had prepared me for the worst calls. Instantly when I saw it come over my caller ID my heart dropped. I honestly wasn’t expecting results until tomorrow so it caught me off guard. She asked if I was able to talk or of it was a good time. I told her I was at work, which totally shocked her that I had felt like working, and asked of I could sit down for about 10 or 15 minutes and she would go over my results or if I wanted her to call back. I said, I CAN SIT DOWN! As from that opening statement I already knew what was coming. And to sum it all up this is what she was able to tell me as of now. The type of cancer is ductal carcinoma. It’s at a level 3. Which I was confused on until speaking with the woman I spoke of earlier. She explained to me being that it’s moved into my lymph nodes that makes it level 3 as hers did the same. I go back on Tuesday to talk to the surgeon which is when I will be advised about the removal of the lumps or taking the whole breast off and treatment. I asked her if I caught it soon enough or if I was going to die. She said I would not die. She said I do need to prepare for a rough year. She thought I would have a year of chemo, but none of that is for sure until all the tests are completed from my biopsy I guess or maybe the other doctor looks at it all. I am not for sure as this was so much to take in.
I still through writing this have not cried. I am shocked! I am sort of just emotionless and have the mindset I have to stay strong for my babies. I can’t let anyone see me upset if I want them to be strong. We all just have to be strong and take this thing one day at a time!! That’s the plan!!
So many thoughtful people have asked of I need anything or if I do need something not to hesitate to call. I want to let everyone know I am not one to ask anyone for anything unless it’s help with maybe my kids and I don’t even care to ask many to help with them. I know how busy life is. I know everyone has their own problems and I don’t want to be an added one for anyone!! But, this is one thing I am asking for, PRAYERS. LOTS AND LOTS OF PRAYERS. Prayers for my kids to have a peace of mind and strength to understand and not worry. Strength for all of my close family. And prayers for healing as well as I start this journey.
Thank you all in advance and as always thank you for reading!! Much love to all of you!! XoX
PS. As I know in times like this we often wonder, why me? Why do i have to go through this. None of that we may ever understand as I have asked myself that a million times in my past. Why is God, doing this to me or allowing me to go through this. I was always so angry at God and angry when I felt he wasn’t answering my prayers or helping me out of the hell I felt I was in. As time has passed it all makes sense now. My prayers were answered! When I was at my worst he sent me my first born and gave me even more reason to leave and enough courage to move away. As things haven’t ever actually changed so to say and I still haven’t gotten my mother back, through it all I have gained more knowledge and experienced more feelings and heartache than I ever thought possible. But, God never gave me more than I could handle. He has tested me for sure, but never gave me more than I could take. Even those moments I didn’t think I could take anymore and didn’t think I could go on, but I DID. And I came out stronger than ever every time through every challenge.
We women must stick together always. Have each other’s backs and learn to pick each other up nstead of all the hate. The love I have felt the last few days is amaxing but, let’s lift all women we know up not just those in hard times like. Some don’t speak and hold it in and you never know when you could change someomes life!!