I am ready to fight whatever battles God places in my path. I have to be, but I still have so many fears that I can’t stop thinking about over and over as I anticipate the results from my upcoming doctor’s appointment at the end of this week. My fears are not only for myself but, more for my family and loved ones.
My biggest worry being, what my health could possibly mean for the health of my daughters health in their future or their daughter’s, etc. Do I carry a genetic gene and if my biopsy does come back positive when can I test to see if I am in fact a carrier? All that scares me like no other!! Not only their future health but there mental health now, if I am diagnosed with that evil C word, that has taken so many that are close to us, how they will cope? How can will I even tell them and while doing so stay strong? How do I even stay strong? That question I have asked myself over and over and I guess if I have learned anything from my past it would have to be, our biggest fears and battles are often those that come with little or no warning. Those are the kind of battles that scare the hell out of us and sort of leave us emotionally and physically handicapped when first trying to acknowledge the situation. Those life changing battles are those that have only made me stronger and pulled me closer to those I love and taught me more people care about me than I ever imagined. As I have tried to turn those bad times into not only learning experiences but, also found the good or what good that they brought to life. In other words, I try to view the cup as half full versus half empty. Then the worry of how bad it could be if it is cancer and if I caught it soon enough. Will I overcome it? And if I don’t will I miss my kids growing up? How long will I have?? To the worry of work and who will maintain the restaurant to how will I pay my bills if I can’t work and if I don’t work how can we keep things at home some what normal for our kids without having to say no to things that in the past were not wc even questioned. For example how can I say, I can’t afford those basketball shoes or no you can’t participate in that or go there because we don’t have the money right now. Money should be the least of my worry, but can’t live without it and with 4 kids, and a dependence on my income, sure as hell can’t live without it. How will I help my Grandpa with the little things he needs help with? How will I help anyone for that matter? All these things have been running through my head 90 miles an hour, from the moment I was given my bi-rad. I can’t sleep at night as this fills my conscious. Yet I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning and want to try to sleep so I don’t have that constant worry come over me. Yet I feel so selfish that I do worry for I do not know my outcome yet and others are out there fighting to live as we speak, while I am sitting here worrying over what could be nothing. Feels so selfish. As I didn’t want people to know because I don’t want anyone to worry for me, but I do believe in the Power of Prayers so I guess that is why I am embracing the fact that people have learned what has been going on in our lives the past month. This along with my mommy issues after receiving her recent letter, is i guess, why some days I may have seemed distant or not all there. Seems like an easy excuse to blow off all my brain farts the last month, but on a real note, there are moments I just go blank because of some stupid worry that crosses my mind.
So I of course debated on sharing this now or later or when. And I honestly plan on posting it to my blog page, but not sure where I will share from there or if or when. But, as many have came to me and said is what I heard true? Well I am not sure what “you heard”, but this is what is true…..
After waking up in the middle of the night with pain under my arm and in my right breast, that is when I found a lump in my right breast. Being Friday night, I was left the weekend to wonder what that lump might be. After much googling and reading that 90% of cancer is not usually sore and usually dies not move I had convinced myself it was not cancer, but probably still needed the attention of a doctor just to confirm my own diagnosis. So Monday while taking my youngest into the doctor I decided to mention to the doctor about the lump and ask her opinion or who she would refer me to see. She took a look and also found the lump and another small lump on my left breast. But, she also noticed that the right one moved and she kind of mentioned what I had already kind of diagnosed myself with the help of Google and a friend who’s mother went through something similar, that too much caffeine could lead to lumps in breasts. But, she gave me contact info for a doctor she said I should go and see and have her check.
Still worried at this time, but a little bit of my mind was eased after talking to her, another woman I knew who had had breast cancer and a friend who’s mom had been through something similar. But, I called and set up my next appointment. Upon arriving to this appointment, I had some blood work done for cholesterol, sugar and iron levels. Which all came back excellent. That was followed by the dreaded pap smear and breast exam. The doctor was fantastic and made me feel better about the situation as a whole. She said the same thing about the caffeine and the way the lump moved, and also found the other small lump in my left breast. Going back to what diagnosis we were hoping for. Being that it I had a lump on both sides seemed to be that this could be the possibility. She said we want to be for sure so I am going to set you up for a mammogram and sonogram for next week following an appointment with a surgeon who has more tender hands to possibly feel something I don’t as well as read your reports from the mammogram and sonogram all that day so there won’t be any waiting for results.
Last Thursday I went for this appointment and was overwhelmed after I received the bi-rad (Breast Imaging Reporting and Data System). My score was at a level 5. Meaning 95% of woman who had similar looking mammograms or sonograms had cancer. Instant tears and the feeling of just a loss of control of my life, I guess you could say. She prepared me for the worst case scenario to come if my biopsy next week is not the news we are praying for.
From that moment it has been all I can think about and all I can do to hold back tears. But, through all the worry I have prepared myself for the worst and can say thatI am ready to fight whatever battle God places in my path and not just for myself but, for my family. I can’t imagine not being in their future!
As always I appreciate all who take the time to read what I have to say and thank you! And thank you for all who have been there for me through yet another rough patch. Every kind word or bit of encouragement, advice, a good laugh, whatever it might be that so many of you have been, more than I can even account for, some of you that may not even know that inspire me, please know because of ALL OF YOU PEOPLE, my family and the fact I know whatever my path maybe, God is not there to hold my hand, but carry me through it all, that I find the strength to take on each new day. Unanswered prayers are always answered in some of the most mysterious ways I have learned. Please pray for my family. Pray for a an outcome of a healthy future even if that future isn’t tomorrow!
PS. The doctor prepares me for the worse while others say not to lose hope. So I am crossing my fingers yet full of hope, all while still expecting the worse.