Finding The Strength πŸ’ͺ

As I have gone back and found some of my old blogs on different sites, as I have been trying to organize and clean them up as well as reading through some and the thing I keep rereading every time is how done I am. How unhappy I am. How I am not going to allow this behavior from my mother any longer. And obviously I wasn’t as convinced of that decision in that moment, as much as I knew it was the only thing left to help myself. Her addiction was destroying me slowly day at a time. And all she ever worried about was how everyone else was destroying her. I often questioned if I was to blame.

With that being said I fear for my strength at times. Since the day I obtained the knowledge of some of the things she said in a letter she sent. (That I still refuse to read.) Many things broke my heart in the letter and I hold heard a piece of it, but it was when she said, “You guys don’t know what you have put me through.” That was it. That did it. She has no idea what the hell she has put not only me, but my brother, my Grandpa, everyone that loved her, through. Not even that, I tolerated it, I was to blame I always came back for more. But, this situation is not comparable with a thing of the past, (only the fact meth and how you felt was all that mattered and lead us to this) but my children were hurt, almost to the point we were scared for her life. With that said, my heart broke yet again. Into a millon tiny pieces. No words. Just the satisfaction that she gave me that strength I have been missing. I was willing to forgive arms wide opened and ready to be there every step of the way as she got the much help needed I had been praying for for as long as I can remember. But, instead she asked that question. Not how are you holding up? How are the kids? Most of all is Maliyah ok? Not that I even wanted to be asked any of that, but the question she asked for sure was not the right one and my answer at that moment was, I don’t give a fuck what you have been put through because after all these mistakes over and over and never learning my innocent daughter who loved you with every inch of her heart almost died. Not only did she almost die, but how the hell can I explain to my 2 year old where Grandma is if she ever asked. How can one even grasp such information and you just asked me if we know what we have put you through. I still have hope to one day have a normal relationship, but I am not going to attempt a single thing until actions ate speaking louder than the words that I have heard for years and never seen in reality. My children deserve the best. Just because making excuses and running from the past was once found excusable by me, no longer can it be. Not now. Not when all you have ever and obviously will ever think about is, what you have been through. Poor you. I once did feel that way. I hurt for you. As I still do but, it will have to be from a distance to protect not only myself, but my family who is all I have. My children are my purpose. Never was fixing you my purpose nor will it ever be again.

I was once this woman being referred in the meme above. I didn’t want to burden others with my battles, as I feared judgement and the fear of appearing weak. Never would I allow someone else to see me at my lowest or actually see me cry even though crying helped. I thought I had to appear strong to be strong. Crying doesn’t make us weak nor does unconditional love until one loses themself in the hopes of being the “stronger one”. As much as I was being hurt by my mom and her addiction and the fact I felt she chose meth over us, I always had hope. I held on to the hope that one day the mother who I remembered before meth would come back. That hope made me weak. I didn’t want to hurt her or for her to feel alone. Constantly being accused that I didn’t want her in my life or that I wasn’t over the past made me want to prove to her otherwise and that I would always be there. When in reality I was showing her no matter what she did there would be no consequences and I would be her door mat as she would come and go. (When I say come and go i mean being sober to falling back into the addiction and allowing it to control her.) I always said this was the last time but, those were meaningless words I never put into action or if I did I never stuck to.

I was easily manipulated because that hope was so strong and my need to have that mom who I never questioned loving me, back. She always said how selfish I was and that she would give anything to have her mother back. She would tell me that I don’t know what that felt like and I would be sorry someday for not trying harder. All vindictive and manipulating words. I know her pain. I saw her become an addict becsuse of it. I saw her slowly fade away. As she used meth to take away the pain of her mother dying, a new greater pain was in the making. Not only then has she lost her mother, but many close friends along with family members. She scared the hell out people with her crazy rants. But, it was all show. I was once terrified myself until I learned that anger and front she put on was only to manipulate those into getting what she wanted or to believe what she wanted them to believe.

As she has been calling non stop since she wrote the letter and the last time I spoke with her not yet knowing what the letter said, I told her I loved her. I said I can always forgive you If this is it. If this was rock bottom and you can honestly say you don’t want to use meth ever again and want and need the help to get there. That’s all I wanted to hear. With that never being said I am happy if what i said that day to her is that last words I ever speak to her. As she continues to keep calling everyday 10 to 12 times in hope to find out if I read her letter and what I have to say, I can only remain silent.

I leave her calls unanswered. And it’s hard. Very hard. Knowing the pain of feeling alone, I wish that feeling upon no one and reach out to those in need. But, this is out of my hands. I can no longer reach out to someone who puts their feelings before my children’s. For not even I put my own feelings before theirs. So to tolerate someone else in doing so would only make me a hypocrite. This time should be spent thinking about what happened not how to convince me it didn’t.

When I feel sad or hurt for you all I have to do is open this up and remind myself why I can’t answer your calls and remind myself that I didn’t choose this. This is not what I wanted.

So when you told me I had no idea what it felt like to lose a mother, you were wrong. I know exactly how that feels. I lost you a long time ago. As death might have been an easier way to have lost you rather to addiction because that pain of thinking I could get you back would not have been here.

Bad things happen to us all. Its how we decide to react to them and over come them instead of playing victim that decides our future.

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