I have had a stressful and emotional week. Some personal issues, Julie’s letter, reading my daughter’s paper about Julie to finally hearing what Julie said in a letter she sent me. Julie’s letter being what was going to make me make a life changing decision and to end my communication with her. As she has been calling daily the last several days and all her 5 to 10 calls to my phone have remained unanswered. Never have i done this to her. I always tried remaining supportive and treasured her I loved her. But, why answer a call to someone who doesn’t ever want, “to talk to listen” so no need for me to try to talk and she has nothing to say that I want to hear so no need to answer a call from jail that will cost somebody $5 or more. She only wants to talk, to continue to justify and manipulate and do everything but, what is RIGHT. I no longer can keep being the door mat. I am going inside and living my life and shutting the door on her! When I feel sad for her or wonder if she feels alone i remind myself what she said and I think about that night Maliyah went to ER. I have all the support I need. But, what I also need is not for ant of you who to feel angry at my mom but, to show her support to and help her realize her mistake can be forgiven. I don’t want my mom to be sad or hurt I don’t want her to not have anyome so please anyome who may have any contact in the future don’t judge her, she is lost and needs someone to help her along the way and to find peace.
I feel I have been misleading with all of my blogs and I want to say this, I don’t have many blogs that are not full of my pain and sadness. I find it hard to write about happy things or what not. I just don’t find myself writing unless I am struggling. Writing is therapy. So I need to be in pain to do my best when it comes to writing. It’s when I am at my lowest that all the words just come and keep coming and I can’t stop. I write until that pain is lifted from my chest or I pass out. Whatever comes first.
I have had alot of private conversations with so many inspiring people lately and I want to thank every single one of you for reaching out. It means more than i can express. I also want to thank the ones who randomly stop me to say hey, keep it up and tell me that I have inspired them or someone they know. Thank you guys so much because at times I start thinking, how do people take what I write so all your feedback makes me feel better about sharing things and helps keep me stay in this zone.
When I wrote about Maliyah’s accident while we were in the hospital it took a lot for me to make that decision to put my family on blast and share it. I had wrote part 1 for myself to take in what happened for myself to go back and read in case I was in a situation where I was being manipulated to believe that things happened different or how I felt was wrong. I was so full of pain when this happened to Maliyah I felt as though I was going to have a mental breakdown at anytime. So the first moment I had alone at hospital while Maliyah was asleep I poured out my heart and emptied my pain into words that would not let me forget how everything went down and while the time line was still fresh in my head. I wasn’t writing so people would know what happened of for anyone besides myself. And maybe my 2 best friends from HS who I didn’t have the heart to tell them from my mouth what happened. Not because of embarrassment but because of the emotional mess I was while letting it out. I cried my heart out while I wrote every part of my story. I don’t mind if people know I hurt but, I prefer they don’t witness me as my tears pour out and I have to stop here and there to breathe and get a hold of myself. It’s good to cry and let it out. I just prefer to do it in private just me and something to write in or type on.
When my daughter later that day expressed how bad it was at school and having to hear the rumors and be asked the questions she was, she wanted me to make a status about what happened. Easier said than done. I can’t just make a shirt status and expect people to feel our pain and to know what we are enduring and that was when I decided it was best to share what i then titled My Untold Story pt1. It only gave a taste of our pain never told what happened but, it was enough to open people’s eyes and let them in. Of course it left everyone waiting for part 2 and then part 3. When you are still living what you are writing it is also hard. I am still not done with our story but, I can say that sharing it was the best thing I ever did. I am no longer embarrassed or ashamed. I have no worry about others thoughts. I love to hear from people to ressure me there are people out there who don’t judge, and helps me to have the motivation to keep sharing. But, like in the past I don’t worry about acceptance or judgement from others. Their opinions do not make my happiness or make me who I am. As the saying goes Those that matter don’t mind and those that mind don’t matter. I am not the one that will put on a show to make others believe my life is perfect because nothing is perfect. I think a lot more and have a mad respect for those who don’t sugar coat everything or push the ugly under the rug and try to run from their problems verses facing a problem head on with their head held high. We all make mistakes and the best way to learn from them is to admit them and grow from. And keep company who not only love you at your best but, love you even when you fail. Love those people who can hold your hand through your pain. Who are brave enough to tell you the truth even if you don’t like it. Love those people hard because those are the ones who really care. Those are my people. I will never hate you for your mistake or judge you and I will respect you when you tell me you messed up and you never want to make another mistake like that again. I will live your courage to become better and overcome it and I will remind you that your mistakes do not change how I feel about you. I will also remind you that’s how we learn and that I will do what I can if this mistake was something you would have trouble not making again. I will understand and I will listen and help you if you need it. That’s how God wants us to be. I am one who is open with my religious status. I don’t push what I believe nor do I engage in it socially very often, nor do I attend church as much I as I wish I could. But, I do know God. I know that I have repented to him many times and been forgiven. I do have knowledge from reading the Bible and Bible Studies and youth group as a child. I have always believed in God. Even when I didn’t realize how he was working.
As a young teenager I had this moment with God and questioned his existence. After praying for that demon to get out of my mom and the demon never leaving, and praying I would wake up out of this nightmare thatI would get out of the house of hell and my mother would no longer be the devils newest hire. I can remember it like it was yesterday. I prayed and cried and looked to the stars and I even prayed to my Grandma if she could hear me and see my pain i begged her to go to God and tell him to take this pain away. I didn’t know at times how much more pain I could take watching my mom ruin herself and ruin our family and ruin everything. That’s how I was thinking as a young scared child with no one else to tell .y pain to. Only God, my Grandma and my paper. And with those three things I made it through. I was praying for the wrong thing. I got the materials needed to make myself stronger while surviving. At the time I felt God hated me. I was angry at him, and one night I lay looking out at the stars and I am so angry at God and I want answers. I scream at him and was why did I deserve this life. What did I do that was so bad to have to live this. I said why won’t you help me. I was mad I was no longer asking for help and praying I was demanding. I told God if he wouldn’t take it away I would and I thought how much better I would be dead. I thought long and hard and cried and wrote and repeat. But, I never stopped praying or believing in God nor did I understand or will I ever understand why I got dealt the hand I got dealt. But, I can decide how I play the cards. I can go back and see where I played the wrong card and I can see clearer now. I can love my mom without allowing her to make my life hell. I can love her from a distance. And continue to pray and hope my mom finds happiness and in that I to will find happiness. Having to cut off my mom is the hardest thing ever and I havesaid it too many times that she went too far and I was done. I was weak then. I was manipulated and I knew it and allowed it. I gave forgiveness too many times. This maybe the last and it hurts not knowing but, at the same time I have relief knowing that I am free from the demon. If mistakes admitted to being made and acknowledgement is not expressed along with remorse and so much more than my mom will never be a part of our lives. NEVER. And if she does reneter it would be slowly and only here and there first only over the phone and after enough phone time the decision then could be made of what is best for our future. Only time can tell.
I had a nice conversation with a friend via messenger last night who could relate with my writing and she changed how how was feeling last night and lifted me up and I am so grateful for people like her. It means alot. She also sent me this which is where I am at now in my life. I am finally able to “walk down another street”. I am finally putting my family first and finding my happiness and learning to stop making excuses for others and worrying about them and instead doing what makes me the best version of myself I can be. When you are stressed and constantly unhappy and feeling broken down it’s hard to be your best. I am good at hiding things and pretending to be ok but, that all takes its toll and it’s my turn now.
There was a time I had a normal and functional relationship with my mom before meth and even while on meth it wasn’t always bad. We had good times but, the bad just out weighed the good. Even in my moms darkest days she also had moments I thought maybe I was getting her back. It was those moments that kept me coming back for more and didn’t allow me to let go. I know she loves me as I will always LOVE her.
When I had those days I didn’t feel loved there was a letter she had to write me for a class project in 5th grade which I have attached, that I would get out and read.
Finding this letter tonight reminded me it was about 6th or 7th grade when my life really got turned upside down. This letter was about the end of my normal childhood.
So having lived both ways I believe is what kept me from thinking what I was living was normal. There’s kids who grow up not ever having a good life and not knowing what one is therefore the life they are brought into becomes their norm and the past repeats itself. And being my mom treated me so bad she tried making up for it with material items, Anything I wanted I usually got if she could pay for it. As a child it took the oain away momentarily but, also led to an adulthood of using shopping as therapy and a spending problem when I was depressed. All the best things in life are free. I would have chose love over all the gifts money could have bought.
Just have to hold all the good memories close and be glad to have them!! Here was a good night! You just never know when your last moment with someone will be or what will happen! Hold those you love close because tomorroe may never come!!