Which Was First? The Chicken or the Egg? What about this… Addiction, Mental Illness, or Depression? Each Causes Another? No Matter Which Is First? Even If It Starts With Addiction? 

story

FB and other social media has made it a lot easier to be that person, that one you want people to think that you are but, have no idea how to be in reality! As I was always taught our actions speak louder than words. After catching wind of the back stabbing, from the woman who I just wanted to protect me and keep me safe, i was heart broken as I learned of the vindictive and manipulating things said on FB about OUR family members and about myself. I couldn’t stop shaking. From my head all the way to my toes, I was shaking. Shaking out of anger and pain. I was absolutely sick to my stomach with sadness and pain. But, at the same time I felt pissed beyond pissed. So with all of these mixed emotions I decided to evaluate my thoughts and hopefully confirm my sanity. Normal people would not even be able to grasp what I have not said and prefer to be left untold.

Have you ever made an opinion from a one-sided story from a FB post or acquaintance who seems to be going through a hard time? Do you think you know the REAL STORY just by talking to one person? Do you believe you know who is right or who is wrong in other peoples “personal lives” from a one sided story?? 

I have. We all have. It’s like judging a book by its cover. But, after the truth reveals and we see things are nothing as we had imagined. There is always another person’s perspective or story that wasn’t told that would often make things clear, but there is also usually a reason that person choses to leave things untold. Some families struggles are not those of which we should consume our time in trying with. Finding a person to point fingers on and blame for the dysfunctional life they are encountering at the current time does not and will never change things. As passing judgement and taking sides can make things worse between the family, and in the end often leave the one who was judging, feeling like a total jerk, when reality finally shines through. 

I know in my head, or like to think she has to believe these lies she tells. Why else would she hurt me so bad? Why else would she tell people such bad things and make her family appear to be terrible and unkind? Is it for the attention? Or maybe the need to put her feelings first? The need to obtain others acceptance while degrading and expoiting those who care about her. The need to want everyone to like her more, and obviously needing that love and acceptance from others so much it means turning others against people who love you. Screams narcissist behavior to me. Or maybe lack of self worth. Many things could lead to such actions and fighting it out can almost be impossible and very damaging on ones thoughts as they try to diagnose loved ones or reach out for help as they try to explain what is going on. The diagnosis I have only searched years for, I may never know therefore will remain untreated.

My side of the story remains untold as it has for years. My private life, I prefer it to be just that, PRIVATE. Our story shouldn’t even be told to anyone else outside of our family, let alone told in a twisted and selfish way as one wants to share there twisted reality and play the role of “victim”. 

Our story is one that I have never wanted to speak of! And never wanted to tell for several reasons, such as just the overall fear of having to face and acknowledge all the things I have never wanted to, and tried to eliminate from my memory through the years, the initial embarrassment of people knowing “the truth” and the hell that I never knew how to escape and of course most of all the pain that would come when having to confront what to me was something I was ashamed of and didn’t want anyone to ever find out. 

The fact that depression and pain from losing a wife and mother took over my family, and was numbed and ignored instead of treated, with over spending,  indulging on material items to find temporary fulfillment or happiness, expensive trips, vacations, and of course drugs and alcohol for self medicating. 

As the drugs and alcohol make you believe you are coping and dealing, they are really covering up the real issues and often leaving them to build up through the years, causing extreme mental illness,  and for the one addicted to meth,  a brain that can not produce dopamine leaving a sad human who does not find happiness very easily and has more weaknesses than one could imagine. 

Which makes me ask this, “is this a mental illness of its own? An addict, being in recovery and then not using for a long term? The drug changed chemicals in the brain and left the brain dependant and always in need of its appearance to find happiness. Making the simplest tasks seem impossible without it, but while on it feeling powerful and the ability to do anything. With years of sobriety a former addict, still wont forget or be able to eliminate those memories of using. Those memories of when depression comes how it wraps around and takes it away nor will the amount of years clean take away that urge or that need. 

That need will never go away if one does not find a new way to handle stress. A new way to deal with depression. But, number one if the problem that led to addiction is never solved the addiction will never be cured. We crawl before we walk. Then when we learn walking is faster and gets us there sooner, we stop crawling. Depression and how we learn to cope is the same. What we practice and what we teach ourselves to do in those times of our life then becomes habit. We learn when self medicating that it works the fastest when trying to take away pain. It will numb the pain with that first hit or line we snort up our nose and sometimes knowing that it can all go away that quick, it is enough to forget what else will come. How dependent we will become and how different being on meth makes a person. How it destroys relationships and ends in prison time or other punishment after breaking the law, as you no longer care about anything but, the dope game. How you will get the next supply. How it can make you money. How you end up canceling, not showing up ans just not wanting to make plans with loved ones because you are always on a dope run,  a dope sell, trying to get money back someone owes you, to getting a bad batch and the reality of how much money you wasted and how you can not trust anyone. 

From there the paranoia may kick in. You think everyone is out to turn you in, steal from you or screw you over. Life has become unhappy at this point and loved ones know, but can’t help because the addict remains in denial and not in need of help until it comes to their freedom or help. A whole new tune is sung the day their freedom is taken away. That day they are sorry and should have listened when loved reached out. And those are the cries you hear from an addict when given no choice, but to admit they were using and need help. As the quicker they convince everyone they want to be clean and how sorry they are the quicker their freedom comes and the quicker they can get back on dope.

The assumptions and false thoughts in her head about how she believed we felt or thought of her, which I believe are a combo of the years of meth uss and the untreated mental issues and past, therefore were always too powerful for her to overcome as years of pain were piled on. Which led to her making worse  accusations about our family and more placing blame, and finger pointing as she could never take the blame. It was always someome else’s fault she went back to that life. 

I couldn’t tell anyone or explain exactly what I felt as I seemed like people thought I was crazy or over exaggerating and too  dramatic the few times I did speak openly about the demon that meth brought out in my mom, it was straight from hell. When not using meth my mother was the exact opposite of the demon that she still fights today. 

She was full of life and up for anything when she didn’t rely on meth. If she had any lack of confidence in herself, I sure never saw it. She was an amazing, do anything for anyone in need kind of woman, a good wife and house keeper,  a loving mother. We were just a family who appeared from the outside to be just like every other average family you would find in a middle to upper class neighborhood of KC during the late 80s into the 90s. 

My reality was hell and she was the devil behind closed doors but, mother/wife of the year to an outsider. As to me I found it disgusting and couldn’t stand the sight of the fake, over nice woman who would turn into the Devil the minute no one was around. And all my friends loved her and would say how nice and cool she was. I was relieved they had those thoughts versus what they might think if they knew our reality.

I was always made to believe what happens at home is our business and basically speaking about what happens at home to others would make one basically a traitor or snitch. A few times after I spoke the truth and tried reaching out I would be made to appear as the liar in the situation or story stretcher, the attention seeker, the tattle tale, like I was one in the wrong and should be ashamed for not appreciating my parents and everything I had in life.  

It was battle I didn’t even want to fight with her daily. A battle that should have been beat along time ago as we should have been on the same team. As for years she has questioned our love and acceptance. Questioned us not holding the past against her. A battle she was having against herself. A battle in her own mind. A battle of finding self peace and happiness, that would then bring confidence and a different perspective. As her perspective is damaged by the past, a change of perception and outlook without overcoming the past and putting it in the past in impossible!! And the longer the past is ignored the harder it will be to take away all of the regret, pain, unspoken feelings, that have been repressed and the root of the unhappy feelings and doubt in one’s self and fear of being forgiven and viewed as just another person who made some mistakes. 

We are our biggest critics and most likely are forgiven by others for our mistakes much sooner than we forgive ourselves. The sooner we are able to admit and take ownership when messing up or mak I g a mistake is the moment we want to learn from that mistake and instead of making that mistake a habit and part of the present, it is put in the past and becomes a lesson. 

Sometimes letting go of the negative people and negative ways of life others make is the last resort. It’s the last cry for help. If I let them go will that be enough? Or is the battle in your own head too strong. Is your reality really that much different from your perspective? I feel bad that you hurt. I don’t want to see you in pain or feel unloved. I try to make you feel loved. I try. But, somehow it is never enough. That battle in your head it takes control when things aren’t exactly how you want them to be. When we come to a rough spot and bad things happen we have always just blew them off. Like what we don’t talk about never happened. As kids growing up, we were taught to just forget the ugly of today or how mentally hurt and in pain we were because tomorrow was a new day and what ever happened or was said today is over and once the sun comes up and the new day starts, most likely every evil thing that was said would be denied as it was almost like if I mentioned it even I was made to feel like I was the crazy one. Being why I feel so strong that she is narcissistic. 

On a positive note, through this hell, I have learned to not be manipulated by those who “cry wolf”, the ones who always make themselves the “victim” and find no shame or remorse in slandering those around them for self gain, are usually those who are suffering from unhappiness. That unhappiness, is like fuel to a fire, it feeds and enlarges the need for a way to numb the pain, an outlook that takes it all away. The depression and addiction feed each other. Making self medicating a trend. When coming down or not using meth, for example and having the need of it to function or be what you think is happy, just the overall mental state during withdrawal or even when coming down after a binge,  I believe a person can be misdiagnosed with a mental illness. I don’t believe one event in one’s life can determine a mental illness especially if that said person had been self medicating or experimenting with hard drugs during said event that was cause of such a diagnosis. I believe so many mental illness go misdiagnosed as they do undiagnosed. I believe as many people who are diagnosed actually aren’t mentally ill, just as many walk away undiagnosed or untreated.

But, i fimd myself womdering, “how can an addict remain in recovery if the mental illness or root to the addiction was NEVER found?” Does a cancer patient stop chemo before the tumor is gone? What sense would it make to shrink it down until it was half the size, and as the paitent is starting feeling good and back to normal, to just stop treatment? You wouldn’t! We would want to make sure before we ended treatment that the cancer was completely gone. So why stop treatment or therapy for a mental disorder or depression before knowing for sure that is gone and one os healthy? And when ending treatment, rhe docror should make sure you learn to know your mind and how to control it. To Know when and if need treatment or therapy before allowing yourself to self medicate and fall into the hell of addiction.

I have learned when the one who is supposed to be your protector can turn into your worst enemy that meth addiction was rhe devils work. When that person that should be protecting me and be there for me to give me confidence and positive thoughts, but instead after 25 years or more, to this day only continues to hurt me and purposely make up lies to hurt or try to destroy my life, that now it is not just my life, but becoming my kid’s lives that will be disrupted. They are seeing my pain. They are seeing this version of us i would rather them not.  My whole life I have witnessed someone who lives as many totally different people. Complete opposites at times, depending on who is watching!

At home I was made to believe I was never good enough and all the negative happening was my fault. After years of being emotionally and mentally abused, and I hate even stating it like that, but it is what it is and the sugar-coating and excuses are over. I was mentally and emotionally abused and it continues. I lacked self-confidence along with several other things that kept me from being myself because of the mental abuse! I was turned into a negative and very unhappy person on the inside who felt alone and lost as a teen.

I have always believed the excuses and always believed things would be better and that things would change. I still have hope. But, the truth remains you were never there for me those times when I needed you the most!! You chose meth over me and my feelings but, I with no anger and open arms, I was always there without judgement and ready to put the past in the past and start a new future. I stood beside you through the good, the bad and even the ugly. I never gave up!! Even when it was clear that you had given up on yourself, I NEVER gave up or lost hope! I tried uplifting you and being your support but, in your eyes I was only attacking you while placing blame and not forgiving. 

I never told anyone the hell I was living or what you put me through. Then I blamed the addiction and I just wrote about it. I spent hours every night praying, writing, hoping and dreaming of what it would feel like to be loved and to have a family that loved one another. I thought at times it was me and I wasn’t worthy of such love. I saw no need to make other people see this bad side of you or know the evil that lied inside you. When things were good they were really good and IFB and other social media has made it a lot easier to be that person, that one you want people to think that you are but, have no idea how to be in reality! As I was always taught our actions speak louder than words. After catching wind of the back stabbing, from the woman who I just wanted to protect me and keep me safe, i was heart broken as I learned of the vindictive and manipulating things said on FB about OUR family members and about myself. I couldn’t stop shaking. From my head all the way to my toes, I was shaking. Shaking out of anger and pain. I was absolutely sick to my stomach with sadness and pain. But, at the same time I felt pissed beyond pissed. So with all of these mixed emotions I decided to evaluate my thoughts and hopefully confirm my sanity. Normal people would not even be able to grasp what I have not said and prefer to be left untold.

Have you ever made an opinion from a one-sided story from a FB post or acquaintance who seems to be going through a hard time? Do you think you know the REAL STORY just by talking to one person? Do you believe you know who is right or who is wrong in other peoples “personal lives” from a one sided story??
I have. We all have. It’s like judging a book by its cover. But, after the truth reveals and we see things are nothing as we had imagined. There is always another person’s perspective or story that wasn’t told that would often make things clear, but there is also usually a reason that person choses to leave things untold. Some families struggles are not those of which we should consume our time in trying with. Finding a person to point fingers on and blame for the dysfunctional life they are encountering at the current time does not and will never change things. As passing judgement and taking sides can make things worse between the family, and in the end often leave the one who was judging, feeling like a total jerk, when reality finally shines through.
I know in my head, or like to think she has to believe these lies she tells. Why else would she hurt me so bad? Why else would she tell people such bad things and make her family appear to be terrible and unkind? Is it for the attention? Or maybe the need to put her feelings first? The need to obtain others acceptance while degrading and expoiting those who care about her. The need to want everyone to like her more, and obviously needing that love and acceptance from others so much it means turning others against people who love you. Screams narcissist behavior to me. Or maybe lack of self worth. Many things could lead to such actions and fighting it out can almost be impossible and very damaging on ones thoughts as they try to diagnose loved ones or reach out for help as they try to explain what is going on. The diagnosis I have only searched years for, I may never know therefore will remain untreated.
My side of the story remains untold as it has for years. My private life, I prefer it to be just that, PRIVATE. Our story shouldn’t even be told to anyone else outside of our family, let alone told in a twisted and selfish way as one wants to share there twisted reality and play the role of “victim”.
Our story is one that I have never wanted to speak of! And never wanted to tell for several reasons, such as just the overall fear of having to face and acknowledge all the things I have never wanted to, and tried to eliminate from my memory through the years, the initial embarrassment of people knowing “the truth” and the hell that I never knew how to escape and of course most of all the pain that would come when having to confront what to me was something I was ashamed of and didn’t want anyone to ever find out.
The fact that depression and pain from losing a wife and mother took over my family, and was numbed and ignored instead of treated, with over spending, indulging on material items to find temporary fulfillment or happiness, expensive trips, vacations, and of course drugs and alcohol for self medicating.
As the drugs and alcohol make you believe you are coping and dealing, they are really covering up the real issues and often leaving them to build up through the years, causing extreme mental illness, and for the one addicted to meth, a brain that can not produce dopamine leaving a sad human who does not find happiness very easily and has more weaknesses than one could imagine.
Which makes me ask this, “is this a mental illness of its own? An addict, being in recovery and then not using for a long term? The drug changed chemicals in the brain and left the brain dependant and always in need of its appearance to find happiness. Making the simplest tasks seem impossible without it, but while on it feeling powerful and the ability to do anything. With years of sobriety a former addict, still wont forget or be able to eliminate those memories of using. Those memories of when depression comes how it wraps around and takes it away nor will the amount of years clean take away that urge or that need.
That need will never go away if one does not find a new way to handle stress. A new way to deal with depression. But, number one if the problem that led to addiction is never solved the addiction will never be cured. We crawl before we walk. Then when we learn walking is faster and gets us there sooner, we stop crawling. Depression and how we learn to cope is the same. What we practice and what we teach ourselves to do in those times of our life then becomes habit. We learn when self medicating that it works the fastest when trying to take away pain. It will numb the pain with that first hit or line we snort up our nose and sometimes knowing that it can all go away that quick, it is enough to forget what else will come. How dependent we will become and how different being on meth makes a person. How it destroys relationships and ends in prison time or other punishment after breaking the law, as you no longer care about anything but, the dope game. How you will get the next supply. How it can make you money. How you end up canceling, not showing up ans just not wanting to make plans with loved ones because you are always on a dope run, a dope sell, trying to get money back someone owes you, to getting a bad batch and the reality of how much money you wasted and how you can not trust anyone.
From there the paranoia may kick in. You think everyone is out to turn you in, steal from you or screw you over. Life has become unhappy at this point and loved ones know, but can’t help because the addict remains in denial and not in need of help until it comes to their freedom or help. A whole new tune is sung the day their freedom is taken away. That day they are sorry and should have listened when loved reached out. And those are the cries you hear from an addict when given no choice, but to admit they were using and need help. As the quicker they convince everyone they want to be clean and how sorry they are the quicker their freedom comes and the quicker they can get back on dope.
The assumptions and false thoughts in her head about how she believed we felt or thought of her, which I believe are a combo of the years of meth uss and the untreated mental issues and past, therefore were always too powerful for her to overcome as years of pain were piled on. Which led to her making worse accusations about our family and more placing blame, and finger pointing as she could never take the blame. It was always someome else’s fault she went back to that life.
Never would someone catch me speaking bad to others about anyone in my family. NEVER. OR ANYONE else that I care about for that matter, in fear others will think bad of them and dislike them, judge them and hold the bad against them. As she kept lying about us, no where did I want to reveal the truth about her or about everything for that matter. As the truth was much uglier than any of lies about me that I learned to laugh and turn away from, and hoped with time others would catch on, and if they didn’t, I decided they obviously didn’t know me at all and what they thought minded me no matter.
I couldn’t tell anyone or explain exactly what I felt as I seemed like people thought I was crazy or over exaggerating and too dramatic the few times I did speak openly about the demon that meth brought out in my mom, it was straight from hell. When not using meth my mother was the exact opposite of the demon that she still fights today.
She was full of life and up for anything when she didn’t rely on meth. If she had any lack of confidence in herself, I sure never saw it. She was an amazing, do anything for anyone in need kind of woman, a good wife and house keeper, a loving mother. We were just a family who appeared from the outside to be just like every other average family you would find in a middle to upper class neighborhood of KC during the late 80s into the 90s.
My reality was hell and she was the devil behind closed doors but, mother/wife of the year to an outsider. As to me I found it disgusting and couldn’t stand the sight of the fake, over nice woman who would turn into the Devil the minute no one was around. And all my friends loved her and would say how nice and cool she was. I was relieved they had those thoughts versus what they might think if they knew our reality.
I was always made to believe what happens at home is our business and basically speaking about what happens at home to others would make one basically a traitor or snitch. A few times after I spoke the truth and tried reaching out I would be made to appear as the liar in the situation or story stretcher, the attention seeker, the tattle tale, like I was one in the wrong and should be ashamed for not appreciating my parents and everything I had in life.
It was battle I didn’t even want to fight with her daily. A battle that should have been beat along time ago as we should have been on the same team. As for years she has questioned our love and acceptance. Questioned us not holding the past against her. A battle she was having against herself. A battle in her own mind. A battle of finding self peace and happiness, that would then bring confidence and a different perspective. As her perspective is damaged by the past, a change of perception and outlook without overcoming the past and putting it in the past in impossible!! And the longer the past is ignored the harder it will be to take away all of the regret, pain, unspoken feelings, that have been repressed and the root of the unhappy feelings and doubt in one’s self and fear of being forgiven and viewed as just another person who made some mistakes.
We are our biggest critics and most likely are forgiven by others for our mistakes much sooner than we forgive ourselves. The sooner we are able to admit and take ownership when messing up or mak I g a mistake is the moment we want to learn from that mistake and instead of making that mistake a habit and part of the present, it is put in the past and becomes a lesson.
Sometimes letting go of the negative people and negative ways of life others make is the last resort. It’s the last cry for help. If I let them go will that be enough? Or is the battle in your own head too strong. Is your reality really that much different from your perspective? I feel bad that you hurt. I don’t want to see you in pain or feel unloved. I try to make you feel loved. I try. But, somehow it is never enough. That battle in your head it takes control when things aren’t exactly how you want them to be. When we come to a rough spot and bad things happen we have always just blew them off. Like what we don’t talk about never happened. As kids growing up, we were taught to just forget the ugly of today or how mentally hurt and in pain we were because tomorrow was a new day and what ever happened or was said today is over and once the sun comes up and the new day starts, most likely every evil thing that was said would be denied as it was almost like if I mentioned it even I was made to feel like I was the crazy one. Being why I feel so strong that she is narcissistic.
On a positive note, through this hell, I have learned to not be manipulated by those who “cry wolf”, the ones who always make themselves the “victim” and find no shame or remorse in slandering those around them for self gain, are usually those who are suffering from unhappiness. That unhappiness, is like fuel to a fire, it feeds and enlarges the need for a way to numb the pain, an outlook that takes it all away. The depression and addiction feed each other. Making self medicating a trend. When coming down or not using meth, for example and having the need of it to function or be what you think is happy, just the overall mental state during withdrawal or even when coming down after a binge, I believe a person can be misdiagnosed with a mental illness. I don’t believe one event in one’s life can determine a mental illness especially if that said person had been self medicating or experimenting with hard drugs during said event that was cause of such a diagnosis. I believe so many mental illness go misdiagnosed as they do undiagnosed. I believe as many people who are diagnosed actually aren’t mentally ill, just as many walk away undiagnosed or untreated.
But, i fimd myself womdering, “how can an addict remain in recovery if the mental illness or root to the addiction was NEVER found?” Does a cancer patient stop chemo before the tumor is gone? What sense would it make to shrink it down until it was half the size, and as the paitent is starting feeling good and back to normal, to just stop treatment? You wouldn’t! We would want to make sure before we ended treatment that the cancer was completely gone. So why stop treatment or therapy for a mental disorder or depression before knowing for sure that is gone and one os healthy? And when ending treatment, rhe docror should make sure you learn to know your mind and how to control it. To Know when and if need treatment or therapy before allowing yourself to self medicate and fall into the hell of addiction.
I have learned when the one who is supposed to be your protector can turn into your worst enemy that meth addiction was rhe devils work. When that person that should be protecting me and be there for me to give me confidence and positive thoughts, but instead after 25 years or more, to this day only continues to hurt me and purposely make up lies to hurt or try to destroy my life, that now it is not just my life, but becoming my kid’s lives that will be disrupted. They are seeing my pain. They are seeing this version of us i would rather them not. My whole life I have witnessed someone who lives as many totally different people. Complete opposites at times, depending on who is watching!
At home I was made to believe I was never good enough and all the negative happening was my fault. After years of being emotionally and mentally abused, and I hate even stating it like that, but it is what it is and the sugar-coating and excuses are over. I was mentally and emotionally abused and it continues. I lacked self-confidence along with several other things that kept me from being myself because of the mental abuse! I was turned into a negative and very unhappy person on the inside who felt alone and lost as a teen.
I have always believed the excuses and always believed things would be better and that things would change. I still have hope. But, the truth remains you were never there for me those times when I needed you the most!! You chose meth over me and my feelings but, I with no anger and open arms, I was always there without judgement and ready to put the past in the past and start a new future. I stood beside you through the good, the bad and even the ugly. I never gave up!! Even when it was clear that you had given up on yourself, I NEVER gave up or lost hope! I tried uplifting you and being your support but, in your eyes I was only attacking you while placing blame and not forgiving.
I never told anyone the hell I was living or what you put me through. Then I blamed the addiction and I just wrote about it. I spent hours every night praying, writing, hoping and dreaming of what it would feel like to be loved and to have a family that loved one another. I thought at times it was me and I wasn’t worthy of such love. I saw no need to make other people see this bad side of you or know the evil that lied inside you. When things were good they were really good and I never wanted the good to go away when I did have it. I believed the more I acted like the bad didn’t exist the quicker it would all be over or the good may take over the bad. But, years later things are worse than ever and the good is becoming extinct! never wanted the good to go away when I did have it.  I believed the more I acted like the bad didn’t exist the quicker it would all be over or the good may take over the bad. But, years later things are worse than ever and the good is becoming extinct! 

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